All posts by Peggy1963

Mother-in-law thoughts, part 2

Family

We realized something was wrong when we went to her house and saw a few months’ worth of bills laying on the desk. This is only significant if you know that she spent many years running a pediatrician’s office, and every bill that came in was filed as soon as it was paid. She’s wicked smart and incredibly social, so on our too-brief visits to see her she had fooled us fairly easily. However, when she traveled with us over the holidays we had our first glimpse of her away from her home turf. The unpaid bills were now evidence of the journey that was just beginning.

Though we no longer lived in Dallas, Peggy still lived closest of the children — it’s a lot easier to get to Dallas from Houston or Austin than from Tucson or Seattle. It didn’t take the doctors too long to give us the news we did not want to hear. Alzheimer’s is never what you want to hear.

What followed is what so many families have already gone through. Finding a place for her to live that met our picky standards and had a great quality of care. Cleaning out a family home of nearly fifty years, then fixing it up to sell. Watching Peggy battle tirelessly to qualify for the VA benefit that her father earned serving in World War II. The friends asking why we are doing this “to” Mary.

Finally, the deterioration got to the point where Mary no longer could live in her own apartment, even in a memory care facility. We made the decision to move her to a wonderful place here in Baton Rouge so Peggy could be with her every day. We jokingly referred to it as “South Dallas” since Peggy’s mother has never lived anywhere else in her life. Enduring the physical struggles that mirror the mental deterioration, but always with the same sweet spirit. And always recognizing Peggy. And me.

Once she turned the corner on loving me she was all in. And until the day she died she loved me with all her heart.

I sang at her funeral today, and for the first time I could not get through the song I have sung countless times. I was overcome with the thought that this wonderful lady was now fully healed and hanging out with her blessed savior. Fortunately, the congregation knew the words and sang for me when I could not. It was the kind of moment Mary would have loved. No, it was a moment Mary did love. And I loved her.

Mary and her children

Mother-in-law thoughts

Family

When Peggy and I started dating, well, let’s just be generous and say that Peggy’s mother did not like me very much. I never really understood why, and I was just arrogant enough not to be too bothered by it. I always figured it was because I was a year older (that seems to matter more when you are 16 and 17) and because Peggy was her family’s golden child.

The longer we stayed together the worse it got. I’ve heard people talk about being treated with disdain by in-laws. Disdain would have been a giant step up in class — seething dislike is more accurate.

I thought it would improve when we got engaged, but the feelings just ramped up at that point. At the church on the day of our wedding, Peggy’s Mama begged her not to go through with it. Fortunately for me Peggy had made up her mind. Anyone who knows her knows what that means.

Our wedded bliss did nothing to soften her feelings toward me. I was always respectful and polite, but I can be forgiven for not being overly demonstrative towards the family. After a little over two years of marriage, we found out Peggy was pregnant. Everyone was predictably excited, especially as Peggy had a very smooth pregnancy (the summer electricity bill in our tiny house is a subject for another time). When we went to the hospital we decided to wait until we had something to tell before we started notifying people.

As stress-free as Peggy’s pregnancy was, the delivery was the exact opposite. She was in labor for more than twenty-four hours before her water broke. We called her parents then and told them we were at Presbyterian Hospital.

Nine hours later the doctor came in and told us that the baby was in distress and we needed to do an emergency caesarean section. We did not have time to tell Peggy’s parents what was happening but asked the nurse to go let them know. Thirty minutes later our son was born and both he and Peggy were healthy.

When I walked out into the waiting room to share the news with Peggy’s mother and father, I hugged them both and shared what had happened. I will never know exactly what happened, but something about that moment finally melted Mary’s resistance. From that day forward she became the greatest mother-in-law that a man could ever have.

Since that day, she has literally spent more than twenty-eight years apologizing to me for the way she acted, and I have spent the same amount of time asking her to not worry about it.

Mary, Peggy’s Mama, went home yesterday.

Over the next few days I will have more to say about this remarkable woman and the remarkable woman she gave to me.

Today I can only think about one thing — she won’t feel the need to apologize anymore.  

 

Mary Elizabeth Bruton Harper
July 27, 1928 – March 4, 2016

Hard Choices

Family

Peggy and I had so much fun hosting clients at the season opening game for LSU last night. Fun night, beautiful weather, great time.

Today Peggy and her siblings had to make the choice that every child or spouse dreads. Except Peggy is the only child here with her mother. We admitted Peggy’s mother, Mary, into hospice tonight.

As I have discussed before, Peggy’s mother has severe Alzheimer’s and we moved her here to Baton Rouge last January to be close to her. Today she had a stroke. As Peggy said, no more trips to the hospital, no more tests she doesn’t understand, we’re just going to make her comfortable.

Mary has been telling us for the past few years that she is ready to see Jesus. We are asking our friends to pray that happens soon. That is really hard to ask for someone you love, but she has truly fought the good fight through Alzheimer’s disease. She deserves the victory.

Peggy has worked so hard to make her Mama comfortable since this journey began. The countless trips to Dallas before the move to Baton Rouge. Taking her to all of her doctor appointments and meeting with the staff at the care facilities. Fighting for her VA benefits when it felt like she was banging her head against the wall.

She would tell you tonight that it is nothing compared to what her mother has done for her. And the decision she made tonight was about making her Mama comfortable until the end.

I am always proud of my beautiful wife.

I cannot think of a time I have been prouder than tonight.

Mary with her children

 

I still can’t believe I get to do this

Observations

So, when I accepted the job that brought me back to Louisiana, I never really mentioned the fact that I grew up here. Everything on my resume’ indicates an entire career spent in Texas, and even my undergraduate degree is from the University of Texas at Dallas. I didn’t try to hide anything, I just never thought it was worth mentioning.

When I went to LSU in 1980 I had one desire, to play baseball. I walked on and made the team, but due to a variety of injuries and other reasons I never got to take the field for the Tigers during a game. No success, but no hard feelings, either.

I went back to Texas, married Peggy, finished school and went to work in Dallas. I spent thirty years building a professional reputation in Texas.

Back to the hiring process. When it became apparent that they wanted me to take the job, Peggy and I had dinner with the couple we would be replacing in the company. At dinner, Bill told me that one of the problems with the job was that the company had club seats at the LSU football games and a box at the baseball games, and sometimes you just had to bite the bullet and attend the games for the good of the company. Peggy and I remained completely stoic and I gave Bill the reassuring nod that I understood and that it was a sacrifice we were willing to make to ensure the company’s success.

So, tonight was opening night for the LSU baseball team, and Peggy and I had to go to the game. It’s a sacrifice, but I think we will survive it…

Geaux Tigers! Opening night win against Cincinnati in twelve innings…

February 12, 2016

Life Its Own Self

That is today’s date. This is today’s location…

Isn’t this what your February looks like?

I had to be in Lake Charles for work yesterday and today, and today it is 84 degrees and we are at the pool. It is completely perfect.

I do not share this to torment those of you in cooler climes (though that does sound like something I would do). In fact, if you choose to live where it is cold a majority of the time, in the immortal words of Billy Joel, “Go on and cry in your coffee but don’t come bitchin’ to me.”

I actually am sharing this so that I will be able to remind myself in August when the inevitable string of 95/95 days (you know, 95 degrees with 95% humidity) hits, that there was a time earlier this year when the weather was perfect, I was sitting in and by the pool with this gorgeous lady, and everything was awesome.

If you do want to feel tormented, though, please feel free…

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Life Its Own Self

I took Peggy to her very first Mardi Gras Ball last night. The Karnival Krewe de Louisiane apparently lowered their standards and allowed me back into a Mardi Gras ball for the first time in many years. Suckers…

I used to attend balls when I was a teenager living in Louisiana. The Mardi Gras balls are kind of a Louisiana-specific debutante ball, and there is usually a “court” of young girls whose parents paid a lot of money for them to be part of the festivities. The young ladies need escorts, so a teenage dude with a tuxedo can find himself at some pretty good parties. I guess I attended my last ball when I was about fifteen. It’s a little different as an adult, especially when you realize how much the parents are spending for their girls to participate.

As always, Peggy looked amazing and attracted many glances from other attendees. I’m pretty sure most of the looks were of the “What is she doing here with him?” variety, but I’m good with that because, you know, she was there with me. Scoreboard.

The interesting part of this ball is that they had an indoor parade as part of the celebration. Most times the parade is an outdoor event. Since it was 35 degrees outside we were quite pleased that the parade was inside the convention center, though the smell of exhaust fumes hung heavy in the air for a while.

We had a blast with work friends, but Peggy nailed the night with her description — an air-conditioned tailgate party that you have to dress up to attend. Each table provides its own food and drink, so you eat and drink whatever you and your friends bring with you. The best part of the evening is after all the ceremony is over and the band comes out to play. They were awesome so we got some good dancing in before we headed out at a reasonable hour.

I think Peggy might even be OK if this is her last Mardi Gras ball, too. I’m glad she got to attend one, but I am certainly not looking for more balls to attend. In the immortal words of Roger Murtaugh, “I’m getting too old for this…”

She cleans up pretty good

New Year, Old Friends

Life Its Own Self

Peggy grew up in the Dallas area and I moved there when I was 15. We lived up there until 1995. We don’t talk much about living there since we left so long ago, but we have many close friends that still live in Dallas. One of the hidden blessings of Peggy’s frequent trips to Dallas to be with her mother is that we get to spend time with friends, too.

We have two sets of friends in Dallas that have been very meaningful in our lives. With one of the couples we have spent either New Years or Independence Day together for the past 25 years. With the other we spent Christmas Eve together almostv every year we lived in Katy. This weekend we got to see them both.

JR and Sue have been friends of ours since our children were still babies. They have two sons that are a little younger than Mike, and no matter where we have lived William and David have been among Mike’s closest friends. This weekend David got married, so his wedding was the catalyst for our Dallas visit.

Scott and Amy returned to Dallas from Katy a couple of years ago. Peggy was actually in All-Region Band with both Scott and Amy during high school, but we didn’t really become friends until we all lived in Katy. Since we were all usually involved in the Christmas Eve services at church, we developed a tradition of having dinner together afterward. Scott and Amy have three daughters, the oldest of which is the same age as Mike, so we always have had much in common.

The rehearsal dinner was fun, the wedding was beautiful and it was a great day. Of course, you never get to spend enough time with the parents of the groom, but it was a wonderful time and we saw a lot of old friends.

Then we went and met Scott and Amy for drinks after the wedding celebration was over. It wasn’t Christmas Eve dinner but it was so great to see them and spend some time together.

The best thing about old friends is that when you get together you just pick back up where you left off the last time you saw them. It was a tremendous opportunity to spend some quality time with people we love. And we got to visit with Peggy’s Mom while we were in Dallas.

A great start to the new year.

It was a beautiful wedding, and we got to sit with great friends
Peggy and Sue. That’s JR eating in the background.
Hanging with Scott and Amy after the wedding. Always a great time!

Happy Birthday

Observations

Today I am 53 years old. That seems weird to me. I am now older than the highest jersey number I ever wore.

We had a great weekend celebrating. Peggy had been in Dallas all week shooting a movie so we met in San Antonio and celebrated my birthday and my sister’s birthday with the entire family. We watched LSU beat South Carolina. Had the kind of fun you can only have with family. Hung out in the pool. Grilled on Sunday and didn’t watch the Saints lose to the Eagles. Great weekend.

Peggy on set in Dallas working on a movie about the Kennedy assassination

We traveled back home today and let the weekend celebration be enough. A birthday on a Monday is always a little odd, anyway. Who wants to celebrate on Monday? Of course, Peggy and I have rarely celebrate anything on the actual day. One benefit of all the travel we both did for work when we were first married — you celebrate when you have the opportunity regardless of the day. It has carried over into a wonderful tradition that makes it almost more fun to celebrate on the wrong day…

Maybe the combination of a wonderful time with family and the Monday thing is what made me think of my mother so much today. She was only fifteen years older than I am today when she died. One of the (very few) things that sucks about being the youngest child is that you are really not prepared when a parent dies young — I was only 39 when my Mama died. She was only 34 when her Mama died. It is pretty sobering to think that there may only be fifteen more years of this life we have built.

Is it OK to say for my birthday I want more than fifteen more years with Peggy?

Live it to the fullest, my friends. The whole box of chocolates thing, you know?

Callin’ Baton Rouge

Observations

I never really thought I would be back in Baton Rouge.

I lived here as a child, I matriculated here as a teenager and young “adult”. I have attended football games here for the past fifty years. But it never really occurred to me that I would live here again.

Last August, when we had just moved into the house, Peggy asked me, “Is this a dream come true for you?”

Honest answer — I never dreamed it because it was never even a possibility. And to live less than three miles from Tiger Stadium? Unimaginable.

Last football season was the first season I have lived in Baton Rouge since I left LSU in 1983. We have come to over a hundred games since then, but always from a distance. Being able to sleep in my own bed on game night is a luxury I never expected to enjoy again. And let’s be honest — two of those years I lived in the football stadium itself, so there wasn’t a whole lot of “luxury” about sleeping in my own bed…

These were the thoughts that occurred to me while waiting for the 2015 season opener tonight against the mighty McNeese Cowboys. Speaking of luxury, Peggy and I were uptowning it tonight, too — sitting in the Athletic Director’s box for the game, chatting up Les Miles’ wife in the suite next to us — big time. Then the rain and lightning started. And continued. And continued. At least being in the AD’s box we were the first to know the game was being cancelled. More uptowning got us out of the stadium ahead of the traffic. We were at home and watching the games on TV before 9:00.

I absolutely love living here. I love running into people I went to elementary school with. I love when the veterinarian asks my wife if she is related to me because he remembers playing by the “culvert” in the creek that was next to my house. I love seeing college friends unexpectedly at the grocery store. I love being able to hop in the car and be on campus in ten minutes just to see what’s going on. I love visiting my old friend Mike the Tiger.

Mostly, I love that my Dallas wife loves it here. Really, that’s about as good as it gets…

Enjoying watching the band march in on a beautiful day — you know, before the weather arrived and cancelled the game…

Surprise!

Life Its Own Self

I run the Regional Office that is in the same town as our Corporate headquarters. It is an odd arrangement because both offices are in the same town but are in separate locations. So, when we have meetings at the Corporate office I “travel” in for the meetings like my counterparts in the other regions.

While I was preparing for our Leadership Conference this week, the CEO called me and asked if I could come into Corporate early and meet with him. I was honored to receive the Leadership Award at last year’s conference, and at this year’s conference I have to make a presentation to this year’s winner — I assumed this was what Rich wanted to talk about. Since Peggy and I just got back from Louisiana on Friday and my boss was not in the office on Monday, I was already planning to get to the Corporate office early today to tell Steve that I am leaving the company.

I showed up at headquarters this morning about an hour before my meeting with the CEO and my boss was not in the office yet. When it was time for the meeting with Rich, Steve had still not arrived, so I went down to meet with Rich.

Rich immediately launched into a conversation about an upcoming project that he wanted me to lead. I felt I had no choice but to break protocol and tell him that I was actually giving my notice to leave the organization. I told him how much I regretted leaving, but the family situation with both my father and my son was just too much to pass up. He was obviously taken by surprise — as I have been by this entire turn of events — but he was exceptionally gracious about everything. I explained to him that I had not been able to have the conversation with Steve or my staff yet, and I asked him for the opportunity to do so before we began our meeting. I told him I would be back in time for my presentation and left to meet with Steve.

Steve was just as surprised and equally gracious. I love working for this company, so the decision to leave has not been made lightly. I told Steve I feared that if the announcement was made at the Leadership Conference then my staff would hear about it before I had the chance to tell them myself. He agreed and told me to go back to my office and notify my team before they could hear it from anyone else.

I’m such a baby. I cried when I told my folks I am leaving. I have poured seven years into this place, and it is emotional for me to leave. I have only been working with this group for about seven months but they have made incredible strides in a short time. It is hard to walk away from something that is working so well.

I went back to the Leadership Conference and made the presentation. When I was finished Rich surprised me by coming up and announcing to everyone that I was leaving and giving me his blessing on the new venture. Yes, I cried again. It is that kind of thing that makes it hard to leave, but I know I am doing the right thing for my family.

This organization will not miss a beat. I will miss them more than they will miss me. I was dreading the conversations I knew I was going to have today, but everyone was so gracious that the day was not nearly as difficult as I expected. But I am exhausted!

I am staying through the end of the month so I will have time to say the rest of the goodbyes. Today was a very necessary start.